Courage (May 2014) by Katie

When the sun and all its visions slips around the corner to trick the other side of the world, step out, look up, and see. Really see. We are standing in eternity. One dot, staring out at a thousand others, with more emptiness than substance between. 

When the sun returns, she draws the blue shades, and turns on the lights, to illuminate that which is immediate and close. 

Is it more fearful to be tethered to this rock, or floating in space? 

There will be a day when it ends for us. There can be no other way. A day when one generation will not beget the next; when a generation will be the last generation. 

And who can say what is worse? The horrors of that moment, or all the horrors around the world on any given day, or all days cumulated throughout time. Our time. This strange human existence. 

Both day and night, we are powerless. We are as clueless about meteors and black holes as we are about relationships and our own ambitions. 

It doesn't feel like our choice. We just have this life. And this black and blue sky. And this awareness. 

And, it seems, awareness will always have fear as its shadow

and courage in its bones.

Courage (May 2014) by Katie

Most of our lives have progressed with help. Our journey was mapped out. Begin school. Move from first grade to second. Years were marked with change, and we had no say in it. We graduated high school and could continue with undergrad or begin working, but we couldn’t stay seniors. We graduated college, and the world was open to us, but we had to move somewhere. As an adult, it is different. There is no one telling us when it is time to take that next step. I think it takes a lot of courage as an adult to try something new. And it takes courage to not follow your cohort. To stay.

Courage (May 2014)

Prayer (April 2014) by Josh E.

 (prayers from a distant life - Josh)

 Lord, I am not worthy to receive you, but only say the word and I shall be healed.

 

Help me to remember what I should remember and forget what I should forget.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

Mary, help me to see women as created by your son; holy, pure, beloved.

"May my life attest, what my heart and mouth confess."  -St. Anselm 

Come down
we beseech you, O Lord
upon this house and 
drive from it all the snares of the enemy.
Let your holy angels dwell in it
and keep us in peace.  And may your blessing
be with us always.
This we ask through 
Chris our Lord.

Prayer (April 2014) by Renee

When the weather breaks

prayers seep through my soul

like warm air mysteriously forming

where winter still abides.

At first it is simply breath.

Then the breath is noticed,

and then all the senses rise -

What I see, what I hear, what I smell

is holy. Is spirit. Is life.

Every hungry vulture, circling the perished;

every horny frog, competing with croaks;

every rotting leaf vanishing into the dirt

and a putrid smell is beautiful. Is me.

Is this consuming hole at my core

that is emptiness and loneliness and

also what it means to be alive.

And then words form, imperfect

like a child in the arms of their mother

droning, “I want Mommy”, when they are tired

or ill. What they mean

is something else. Security

that no human can offer another.

A well-being that we already have,

though we don’t remember where we put it.

And so we pray. Please. I need. I want. I hope.

Even the Thank You is a longing.

And in Spring, the Earth replies,

Yes. Here. Now. You are bone of my bones,

And flesh of my flesh. You are woman.

The winds come, and the seasons cycle,

and change brings answer to our prayers

and reason to pray.

On the night (s)he was betrayed... (March 2014) by Josh W.

On the night he/she was betrayed….

…he was trying to come up with a title for his memoir.  Ideas included “This Fastidious Life,” “Only Turtles Wash Themselves Like That,” and “Hands Off My Avocodos.”

…she remembered the importance of pretending that she didn’t care.

…he forgot to call his mother and tell her that he had reserved her a room at the hotel next door.

…she was wearing the pearl earrings that he gave her.

…he wished he had remembered his jacket, it was getting chilly.

…he said, “It would be best – for all involved – if we just lower our expectations.”

…she forgot to refill the ice cube trays.

…he had a funfetti cake in the oven.

…she was just beginning to think her troubles were behind her.

…he said, “I’ll give you something to cry about.”

…there was a turkey in the oven.

…she was humming the “Ducktales” theme song.

…he wished he hadn’t had that milk on such a hot day.

…she remembered that she had forgotten to file her taxes.

…he had passed the Dutchy one too many times.

…the moonlight on the canal was setting off a romantic glow.

…the upstairs neighbor was stomping around in her high-heels again, and it was becoming difficult to concentrate.

…the blueberries he snacked on earlier were beginning to manifest themselves again with a pungent odor.

…she wished that neighbor boy going at it on his drums would realize he’s no good and shut the hell up.

…he remarked, “Who’s paying for all this alcohol?  Because I sure ain’t.”  

Another World (February 2014) by Keith

Many of you know that I enjoy my work, that I find meaning in it, and that it is thus a difficult thing to leave. But I don't feel that I've shared a lot about what I do, so I'm going to follow in Katie's footsteps and describe some aspects of my job. This may be part of the process of verbalizing aspects that will be helpful in mourning and moving on.

When I first started at Messiah, it was a means to an end, namely to get Katie through grad school. When this position I'm in opened up, it was supposed to be temporary- just one year. Then it turned into 2...then 3...now 4. I remember talking about how I never wanted to be someone that ended up at Messiah. Though I understand that, and still generally feel the same sentiment, I also would be lying if I said that this move to WV is not without it's daily doubts and pain.

Today, a student dropped in to share what's been going on in her life. She isn't someone I supervise, but I've met with her a bunch the past 2 year. We often talk about how much she takes on, what balance looks like, and how to care for one's self. This time, we ended talking about the differences between her and her very traditional Cuban family, and how it was difficult to come home and have a different perspective on life than what she had growing up. While she was talking, she was coloring with markers (a helpful means of processing for her). It ended with her feeling relieved, relaxed, and listened to.

One of my student directors is the most phenomenal administrators I've ever met. Her skills of organization and management make me look like I'm a spontaneous Type B. But she needs work on an interpersonal level. She's worked at the center for 3 years now, and often begrudgingly sits in our meetings when I make suggestions of how relational skills are as, if not more, effective to logistical skills.  This past semester, every other meeting we have ends with her in tears because she feels like she's grown so much through this role, has come to understand healthy work relationships, privilege, and poverty in ways she never considered (she comes from a rich family...like Katie), and how much her service at Paxton has changed her life.

Here's the thing- this has been one of the only places where some of my natural tendencies have really shined as strengths, whereas other times they seem to be more pejorative.  For instance, my ability to be challenge people, to be contrary, this is something that has helped to push my students beyond their usual expectations and to help them succeed beyond what they would normally.  This is one of the things that the student director has said has most changed her.  I try to pull out strengths from my students that they often don't recognize, but also challenge areas that they may be unaware of.  

I feel like I'm good at my job. I'm more type A than I like to admit, but that helps me to balance and juggle 4-5 mtgs a day, with constant emails, and unexpected drop-ins from students. And I love that. I love a job that capitalizes on both my skills of organization/management and relationality. Despite the busyness of my work, I normally still watch parts of the Daily Show during lunch, take time to relax, and enjoy the barefoot walks to and from work. 

Maybe I'm drawn to feeling self-important, and having students value my thoughts and opinions (surprising that I like to share both of those!). But I also love seeing students transform through a year or two of mentoring. Through the 3 years I've supervised and mentored the student director, I've tried to strike the balance that I attempt with all my students: support and challenge. I support her where she's doing great, help supplement her where she needs help, but also push her and confront her desire to stay where she's at and to work on enhancing her skills in new ways. This is what the job has been for me too. I've been pushed and challenged beyond my own comfort zone, but also supported by an incredible community that loves me and cares for me.

This sounds like a lot of self-important BS. But it's more than that to me. I know I have skills that are a good match for the job, yet I know many people could do as good a job. It's just rewarding to be in a place where you can see people who didn't care about inclusive language turn into feminists (last year I had a student burst into my office yelling, "Keith, I think I'm a feminist now!!!"), or a white student sharing how difficult it is to process privilege, or a black student feeling comfortable enough with me to share a painful racialized incident, or another student of color challenge me into recognizing how connected I am to current elite power structures, despite my language saturated with "justice". I love that I also feel challenged and supported in my work. I have grown immensely in the 5 years I've been at Messiah. I'm sad to leave it, but I hope it has prepared me for what's to come.